me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Nose
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall