Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t even know

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Now colored!

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.