Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

This kid will have a bright future.