Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I know
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
bury ourselves
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Weirdly Wednesday.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”