Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.