Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit