Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker