Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?