Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,