Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?