Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*