me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.