me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Drive like no one is watching.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house