Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.