Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible