Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.