Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
