Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmm canned fish.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?