Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)