ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You Might Also Like
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me: