Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.