Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

This is amazing.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist