Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Help Wanted

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion