Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know