Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.


nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.


Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.


I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.


Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time


LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn


4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.