Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.