Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.