Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?