Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
everyone’s a critic
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
o shit
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?