Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

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I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.


My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.


Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*


Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline


Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.


if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost


*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!


“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day