Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You Might Also Like
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
2 years later
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.