Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

why does this building look like a guilty dog

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.