me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS