Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

2022 be like

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

be safe out there!

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies