Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.