I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
You Might Also Like
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Owl Sanctuary
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
went fishing caught a bass
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.