Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?