Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
it’s the silliest best thing
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I need to get some bricks…
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana