Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.