Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
This is a sub tweet
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”