Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.