Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

2023 was just a warmup

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.