Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”