Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I did not eat the cake…
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed