me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.