Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

at ease…shoulder.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what