me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.