Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk