Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
🤣🤣🤣
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin