Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*