“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.