Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost