Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.