Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
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Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*