Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.