Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Cool shirt 🙂

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.