Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch