Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
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I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?