Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

life finds a way

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

set yourself free xox

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else