Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
he’ll never suspect a thing
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.