Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.