Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
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Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
it be like that
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins