She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter
He:Its curiosity about sex
She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay
Umm Adele, have you tried texting?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”
*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.