Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
How to find Kentucky on a map
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time