@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

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@iGreenMonk

She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter

He:Its curiosity about sex

She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out

@Contwixt

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

@withanewname

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

@jessienope

religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

@Kyle_Raney

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

@PastorBate

Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

@AdamBujairami

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.