Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you could not pay me to delete this app

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”