Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.