me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.