me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.