Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.