Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly