me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Bond. Trauma bond.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.