Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.