Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.